Once Again...

Once again God- they attack me. From every angle they shoot their darts. They criticize, they poke, they scream. Every curve is an opportunity to tease. Every flaw is a reason for them to point and say, "you're not good enough". When will they leave? When will they stop? God, i cry out, desperate for your help. Restore me.

Lord, I come to you desperate and broken. Speak to me. Speak to the deepest part of my being. Show me who you really are. Take these misconceptions and drive them away. I want to soak in your presence. Only when I am with you do all these cares vanish. Be the lifter of my head, and Jesus, be the beauty I so desperately long and seek after. May what all the world has to offer not matter anymore. May my soul's thirst be quenched only by you. For only you can satisfy this longing. Tell me I am yours. I long to hear you God. Take everything I am, the good and the bad and use it.

Direction

I feel so lost in where I am supposed to go in my life. There are things I want to do and dream of doing, yet am in a place where I feel so incapable of doing. I don't feel qualified in any area and it's tearing me apart. What do I do? I know this is where trusting God comes into the picture, but I don't even know what He wants me to do. I feel as though I am just wasting. I know there's purpose, but what is it?

BLah

So today just seems like a "blah" day. It's beautiful out, but I have little motivation to do anything. This is when I just need to continue on even though I don't FEEL like it. Maybe I'll get in the Word and see if God speaks anything specifically to me today- or talk a walk and just spend some time with Him.

Take A Walk.

So- I just got back from taking a walk with my lil' Yorkie, Sissy. It was nice to get some alone time outside to just think; or even not to think can be just as nice. I have a feeling I am going to be taking a lot more walks. Maybe this can be my time to hear from God to get away from all my noise. Not to mention some exercise for this lil' chub I've never had before. =) But first off- my time with God. I long so much for God to awaken my soul to what He wants me to know, to hear, to feel. To really feel- not to be this person who is afraid to feel anything, but one who can be fully immersed in an emotion and be okay with it= knowing that it's healthy. Another step in my freedom.

Print Making

So, today...
Spring Break is officially over and class started back up. I am currently working on printing a collagraph type print. I finished 2 today and only 3 more to go. Making these are really a work out. I am currently also working on a sketch for my Linograph print. It's definitely leaning more towards the abstract/pop art category.I'll post what I have for the Linograph sketch so far and my Collagraph finished print.

Combat!

Today I went and spoke to someone who gave me good advice when it came to combating my thoughts- those thoughts that are so loud and judgmental. These are so often the things that scream at me...trying to steal my joy, freedom, and wholeness. And so often I let them do that very thing. I let them win the battle, but the victory is no longer going to this. With God's help I will be victorious!

So when these thoughts come up...ask:
1. Is that really true?
2. Can I ever really know/prove it to be true?
3. How does this judgment make me feel?
4. How would I feel without it?
5. Is there any PEACEFUL reason to keep this thought?
6. What happens if I turn it around? Can I find a kernel of wisdom in it's opposite?

Don't you hate having to do things you really don't want to do? Well, I do. Especially the hard, challenging things in life. Such as having to communicate with someone you don't know how to with, or sharing a session with someone you really don't want to. I'm going to go into this with an open mind and see how it goes though. I don't know what to expect but here I go.

Broken No More

I am consciously deciding to go deeper. To go deeper into my relationship with my Savior. I have tasted the freedom He died for me to have, but have turned back. I have had enough of this losing battle. And that is exactly what it is- a battle for my soul. Not only my soul, but my joy. I am tired of looking in the mirror seeing brokenness. I am ready and willing to work towards wholeness.

This doesn't make life perfect. This doesn't mean that I won't need to see professionals or be prayed for, but it means that in the meantime I realize this is all a process and I am going to make it. But this does mean that throughout this process I have to fully rely on God and who He is. Not what He can do for me. But WHO HE IS. Who He is will set me free because He is truth.

He'll take this heap of ash's and turn it into something beautiful. I am trusting Him.

Recently

I will be honest- I have anger, and all sorts of things bottled up. And many things that I do, I do in order to stay in "control" of my life. And I think when anyone feels like they are losing control, things that were bottled up inside come out. Recently this has been happening to me and it's time for things to be different in my life. Bad habits, coping mechanisms, need to change. Permanently. I have a future...what? I don't know. And sometimes it scares me, but I am learning to trust that God has it all worked out somehow.

Another thing I am learning is there is a difference between protection and punishment- which I tend to view things from the punishing sort because that's just how I have been for so long- which I am also trying to change and make a difference in my life. That sometimes things people that love you do that you may not like aren't always because you're being punished, but because they care enough to protect you, no matter what the cost...even being angry.

What else- I'm learning that healing doesn't come in a pill form, or in the chair of a therapist's office, but in the presence of God. Sure, they all work together to make a positive change, but the last of those makes it last. And that what I am dealing with in my life right now is a process and I can't expect people to give me a "miracle fix" and have everything be okay all of a sudden. I didn't get to where I am in a day and I won't get out of it in a day either. God knows my heart- He knows where I am and where I want to be- despite my actions on the outside.

And thank God, I've realized how awesome people who love me really are. My friends especially. They encourage me with the Word of God and refuse to give up on me, no matter how angry or hurtful I may be. They see my heart and know I don't mean things to be that way deep down. They also try to cheer me up when I'm down- and most of the time it works =) Thanks.