AZ

Yesterday I came back home from visiting my friend in Phoenix, AZ. I had a great time and wanted to share some of my trip with you. When I arrived I thought it was absolutely beautiful. The scenery was so much different than what I am used to. I saw lots of brown- the buildings, the dirt, the mountains, the rocks. Two things that definitely caught my attention was the Cactus and Palm Trees! Oh Ohio, how I wish you had these!
Besides the scenery I had a great time with my friend. I was able to attend her church and meet some of the people she tells me about. It was great. And God spoke things to me there that I needed to hear. I was also able to meet the family she Nannies for. I hear about Jake (the adorable 2 yr old) all the time and I got to meet him too. He was such a lil ladies man.
We went to the Phoenix Zoo and had a great day there- with absolutely BEAUTIFUL weather! We went shopping at a few of the malls...luv! Hahaha. And I discovered a fabulous thing there- Yogurtopia and Yogurtland- Another type of thing Ohio NEEDS! Self serve yogurt places...
The last part of my trip there consisted of a road trip to Pine Top and the Grand Canyon. We went 4 hours to Pine Top- where it ended up getting to 32 degrees and SNOWING! (Because of the elevation). Then it was 4 hours to the Grand Canyon- so worth it!! It was amazingly GORGEOUS! It was overcast that day, so I want to go back and see it when the sun is shining all around.
It went by wayyyyyy too fast, but I am so thankful for the time I was able to spend there. I met amazing people and saw beautiful things...I will never forget those days! Arizona, I will be back. I promise.

There and Beyond!!

Last Tuesday, Sept 13th, marked my 6th months COMPLETELY FREE from Self harm. God is good and I have to thank Him for how far He's brought me this year. And I am soooo excited to see where's He's going to take me in the year to come. "Greater things are yet to come, greater things are still to be done..." (A sigh of great relief!)

What else? My trip to Arizona is seriously only 11 days away!! I will be getting on a jet plane in good ole Cleveland, Ohio and taking off to beautiful (what i hear) Phoenix. I will step off that plane, scream and give a HUGE bear hug to my friend!! =) Gonna be a GREAT 10 days there with her and her family!

Being Prepared, Deciding, and finally...Standing.

I thought it was about time for me to write again. It's been a while, but this topic has been on my mind this week- due to the weekend I had. Let me share.

I was able to go on a leadership retreat this past weekend and it brought a lot to the forefront for me. The theme was "STAND" and it was about facing your giants and at the end of it all, standing. I was challenged over and over to confront my giants and fight them. We did a ropes course one day and the physical aspect of that really allowed me to see the deeper meaning behind the things I did and the way I handled different situations. I am very afraid of heights and this weekend challenged me in that sense since the ropes course was 30-50 ft up in the air. I immediately felt the apprehension and panic set in. I put my big girl pants and helmet on and climbed up the ladder to the 1st platform. I got to that point and my body was literally jittery. The fear had come upon me. After several (and I mean several) minutes, I chose which obstacle I would attempt to conquer. I was hooked and harnased in. I double checked the hooks on the cable I was going to be suspended from and off I went. I looked over the edge and the fear grasped me so hard---the thought that I was going to die was very present. =) Irrational, but oh so real to me. So, I stepped of the edge after a long pause and started my journey. I got about half way out and I froze. What do I do now? Go back? Just stay there and hope someone would come and get me? Or go on? I very much so considered the 2nd option. =) But I went on and I felt a sense of accomplishment. So, I made it on a ropes course, but what does this have to do with life? Well, let me explain.

I could relate many things I did on that course to the way I found myself living life. 1st of all, I often let fear hold me back from accomplishing things. I am also a perfectionist in a sense- just like I made sure those clips were locked on the cable over and over; I do the same in life- I make sure as much as I can that the conditions in doing something are just right. That nothing can go wrong. And of course me stepping of that ledge, that 1st step was the HARDEST. Once you decided to make a decision, the 1st step is always the hardest. Then I often get that momentum to go ahead- I get half way to my goal and start to doubt what I am doing. I really start to question what the heck I am doing out there. But what's important is that I keep my eyes ahead- no going back, and go forth.

I want to be like David when he had to face Goliath. He was prepared, he made the decision, and he stood. There was no doubt, there was no looking back, and definitely NO TURNING BACK. He was equipt in his relationship with God, faith, and courage. I want to live and face my giants that way!

I Made It!

I made it! With the help of God! I have made and passed the mark of three months free from self-harm of any sort. And like I said in a previous post, that's the longest it's been in 7 years. I have never felt so free in my life. Wow, just wow. =) God was right when He promised to restore to me what's been lost- joy, freedom, happiness. It's good.

Oh Grow Up.

So, I'm kinda in that stage in my life where I still want to be a kid, and not have to worry about the important stuff, but then again, I am 22 and I have to be an adult. I have to worry about the important stuff. It's part of growing up and being responsible.

One thing I REALLY need to keep myself in check with would be how I spend the money I earn. Right now I am not financially stable on my own. I still live with my parents, and so on. But, I do have the goal of moving out on my own in mind. I want all that- I WANT THAT INDEPENDENCE. I'm sure all you 20- somethings out there know EXACTLY what I'm speaking about. I mean, I love my family and all, but they drive be absolutely INSANE. So yeah. I need to really start keeping track of where all my money is going. And I need to be putting the majority of it into my savings so that goal of moving out can realistically happen sometime soon.

Yeah- that was random, but on my mind. Had to get it out. =)

The picture directly above is my left arm. You may ask why all the scars and marks, but I want to draw your attention to the tattoo on my wrist. It's Hebrew for Jehovah Ropha- which means, "The Lord who Heals". Which is very symbolic for me. First- the healing God has brought upon my life- emotionally, mentally, and even physically. And Second- I had a prophetic word spoken over my life that God would use my hands to heal the broken... Here's a little bit about me....

I am now in a place in my life where I can admit my short-comings and really speak about the life I found myself surviving in for so long- about SEVEN years. As many of you may know- I went to a residential facility, Mercy Ministries back in early 2009 and graduated the program in November of 2009. God did an amazing work in my life during that season. When I returned home, I could see the change God did in me throughout that time. But as any other human, if you don't pay attention to the things you do in life, you can slip right back into old habits- mine being that of self destructive behaviors. I did well for quite a while, but I stopped doing what I needed to do and found myself in trouble once again. Once again, I called out to humans to heal me, to find a cure for my brokenness. I found myself somewhere I have never been before- an outpatient on a psychiatric unit. I left the same as I went in- probably even more confused and depressed- feeling I really was "crazy". I wasn't- I was hurting. It finally hit me months later that THIS WAS MY CHOICE- GOD ALREADY GAVE ME THIS FREEDOM I LONG SO MUCH AFTER! I AM FREE! Almost THREE months ago was the last time I participated in any self destructive behavior! You may think that's not that long- but I was a prisoner for SEVEN years of my life. And now, I am walking in COMPLETE freedom! God is good. Not only is he healing my heart, but gradually healing my physical scars as well. Not to mention- I am not ashamed of this life. God took this heap of Ash's and is turning it into something absolutely BEAUTIFUL! I am excited to be FREE!

Squirrel Trouble

Okay, so I'm sitting at work today in the Pool Store and these two squirrels are running around outside. Okay, no problem. They get closer and closer- with me keeping a watchful eye on how close they really are to me. They both run around the corner...INTO THE STORE! The one that came in last I scared off by hitting a book. The other one ran behind one of our shelves. I tried to scare him out, but no luck, he went further back. So, a type of panic came across me. Just so you know- I have this small fear of these lil creatures. They're like hoping rodents with huge bushy tales, I don't know- they may bite! I'm not messing with it now. So, out of desperation, I text one of our guys who is out on a service call. I ask him to come get the squirrel out! Hahaha. He calls back right away and says he's actually on his way back to the shop. Thank you Jesus!! I will be rescued. LOL. So, he comes in ready to get this thing out of here. So, he grabs the closest thing- a vac pole and starts to poke at where the squirrel is. It comes out from behind the shelf, but hides in another corner- so he tries to get him out of there- then it hops onto the curtains and climbs on top of another shelf. Ugh!! Help!! So, then he swings at it again, and it runs out. That lil sucker didn't want to leave. Ewww! I'm good now- I survived =)

Things You Shouldn't Do

Okay, so yesterday I witnessed two not-so-smart things people were doing while I was driving/ riding in a car. So, the 1st was a lady in my neighborhood. She was trying to fix her lawnmower while smoking a cigarette. My first thought was , "Um, not so smart to be fixing something that runs on gasoline while lighting up". Then, while me and a friend were driving back from church we saw a man on the side of the road riding his bike...in pitch black, while holding a cigarette in his mouth. That is what I call multi-tasking. Probably not the best thing to do while riding your bike in the dark. Oooh ooh, another bike rider thing-not-to-do. Okay, 1st off, please have reflectors on your bike if you're going to be riding it at night. Also, please don't text while you're riding it either. It causes you to swerve and scare people who are behind you in their cars. It's a good way to get hit- and die! Yeah, that's about all I have for now. Maybe I'll fill you in later with more observations. I thought this could provide a laugh or two. YUP.

Once Again...

Once again God- they attack me. From every angle they shoot their darts. They criticize, they poke, they scream. Every curve is an opportunity to tease. Every flaw is a reason for them to point and say, "you're not good enough". When will they leave? When will they stop? God, i cry out, desperate for your help. Restore me.

Lord, I come to you desperate and broken. Speak to me. Speak to the deepest part of my being. Show me who you really are. Take these misconceptions and drive them away. I want to soak in your presence. Only when I am with you do all these cares vanish. Be the lifter of my head, and Jesus, be the beauty I so desperately long and seek after. May what all the world has to offer not matter anymore. May my soul's thirst be quenched only by you. For only you can satisfy this longing. Tell me I am yours. I long to hear you God. Take everything I am, the good and the bad and use it.

Direction

I feel so lost in where I am supposed to go in my life. There are things I want to do and dream of doing, yet am in a place where I feel so incapable of doing. I don't feel qualified in any area and it's tearing me apart. What do I do? I know this is where trusting God comes into the picture, but I don't even know what He wants me to do. I feel as though I am just wasting. I know there's purpose, but what is it?

BLah

So today just seems like a "blah" day. It's beautiful out, but I have little motivation to do anything. This is when I just need to continue on even though I don't FEEL like it. Maybe I'll get in the Word and see if God speaks anything specifically to me today- or talk a walk and just spend some time with Him.

Take A Walk.

So- I just got back from taking a walk with my lil' Yorkie, Sissy. It was nice to get some alone time outside to just think; or even not to think can be just as nice. I have a feeling I am going to be taking a lot more walks. Maybe this can be my time to hear from God to get away from all my noise. Not to mention some exercise for this lil' chub I've never had before. =) But first off- my time with God. I long so much for God to awaken my soul to what He wants me to know, to hear, to feel. To really feel- not to be this person who is afraid to feel anything, but one who can be fully immersed in an emotion and be okay with it= knowing that it's healthy. Another step in my freedom.

Print Making

So, today...
Spring Break is officially over and class started back up. I am currently working on printing a collagraph type print. I finished 2 today and only 3 more to go. Making these are really a work out. I am currently also working on a sketch for my Linograph print. It's definitely leaning more towards the abstract/pop art category.I'll post what I have for the Linograph sketch so far and my Collagraph finished print.

Combat!

Today I went and spoke to someone who gave me good advice when it came to combating my thoughts- those thoughts that are so loud and judgmental. These are so often the things that scream at me...trying to steal my joy, freedom, and wholeness. And so often I let them do that very thing. I let them win the battle, but the victory is no longer going to this. With God's help I will be victorious!

So when these thoughts come up...ask:
1. Is that really true?
2. Can I ever really know/prove it to be true?
3. How does this judgment make me feel?
4. How would I feel without it?
5. Is there any PEACEFUL reason to keep this thought?
6. What happens if I turn it around? Can I find a kernel of wisdom in it's opposite?

Don't you hate having to do things you really don't want to do? Well, I do. Especially the hard, challenging things in life. Such as having to communicate with someone you don't know how to with, or sharing a session with someone you really don't want to. I'm going to go into this with an open mind and see how it goes though. I don't know what to expect but here I go.

Broken No More

I am consciously deciding to go deeper. To go deeper into my relationship with my Savior. I have tasted the freedom He died for me to have, but have turned back. I have had enough of this losing battle. And that is exactly what it is- a battle for my soul. Not only my soul, but my joy. I am tired of looking in the mirror seeing brokenness. I am ready and willing to work towards wholeness.

This doesn't make life perfect. This doesn't mean that I won't need to see professionals or be prayed for, but it means that in the meantime I realize this is all a process and I am going to make it. But this does mean that throughout this process I have to fully rely on God and who He is. Not what He can do for me. But WHO HE IS. Who He is will set me free because He is truth.

He'll take this heap of ash's and turn it into something beautiful. I am trusting Him.

Recently

I will be honest- I have anger, and all sorts of things bottled up. And many things that I do, I do in order to stay in "control" of my life. And I think when anyone feels like they are losing control, things that were bottled up inside come out. Recently this has been happening to me and it's time for things to be different in my life. Bad habits, coping mechanisms, need to change. Permanently. I have a future...what? I don't know. And sometimes it scares me, but I am learning to trust that God has it all worked out somehow.

Another thing I am learning is there is a difference between protection and punishment- which I tend to view things from the punishing sort because that's just how I have been for so long- which I am also trying to change and make a difference in my life. That sometimes things people that love you do that you may not like aren't always because you're being punished, but because they care enough to protect you, no matter what the cost...even being angry.

What else- I'm learning that healing doesn't come in a pill form, or in the chair of a therapist's office, but in the presence of God. Sure, they all work together to make a positive change, but the last of those makes it last. And that what I am dealing with in my life right now is a process and I can't expect people to give me a "miracle fix" and have everything be okay all of a sudden. I didn't get to where I am in a day and I won't get out of it in a day either. God knows my heart- He knows where I am and where I want to be- despite my actions on the outside.

And thank God, I've realized how awesome people who love me really are. My friends especially. They encourage me with the Word of God and refuse to give up on me, no matter how angry or hurtful I may be. They see my heart and know I don't mean things to be that way deep down. They also try to cheer me up when I'm down- and most of the time it works =) Thanks.

One Desire.

Psalm 40 (MSG)
More and more people are seeing this: they enter the mystery, abandoning themselves to God. Blessed are you who give yourselves over to God, TURN YOUR BACKS ON THE WORLD'S "SURE THING", IGNORE WHAT THE WORLD WORSHIPS.; the world's a huge stockpile of God-wonders and God-thoughts. NOTHING AND NO ONE COMES CLOSE TO YOU.

Feb 6, 2011; Sunday
"The time is coming and I want to start preparing you to go. To serve. To help spread My love. You ask why you must do what's being asked of you now...it's because it's part of the preparation. To love others, you must love yourself- the woman I've purposed and created you to be. You hear them, 'I can only imagine'. Standing by my side. Heaven's not the only place where this happens. I am here now. You'll walk with Me, your time is coming. I wouldn't ask you to go if I wasn't going to be right by your side."
-Abba.

3.11.11.
I just realized this word from God wasn't exactly what I thought it was originally. It's speaking of my healing. He's asking me to go to those deep places, but to know He hasn't abandoned me and He won't. To love others, I must love myself. Work in progress.

Attitude

I am currently reading a book by John C. Maxwell called, "Make Today Count". Which I have found is pretty darn good already and I am only on chapter one. And by the title, it's about Attitude. I just felt like sharing some things that stood out to me in this first little bit. It speaks volumes.

"What you become is the result of what you do today"

"You don't make decisions because they're EASY
You don't make decisions because they're CHEAP
You don't make decisions because they're POPULAR
You make decesions because they're RIGHT."

Attitude:

"Your attitude is a choice."

"If you want today to be a good day, you need to take charge of the way you look at it."

"Appreciation isn't a matter of taste or sophistication. It's a matter of perspective."

Eliminate these words: I can't, If only, I don't think, I don't have the time, Maybe, I'm afraid, I don't believe

Say these instead: I can, I will, I know, I will make the time, Absolutely, I'm confident, I'm sure.

This book just really speaks about how your decisions today- yes today, as in Feb 5th, 2011 impact your future. That whatever decision you make now IS preparing you for something. You ask what that something is? Well, take a look at your decision and where it can lead you if you choose to do the right thing.

Mirror 2

Am I ready to force myself to sit in front of that mirror and take an honest look at myself? To look that girl in the eyes- the one looking back at me- and see who she really is? Am I ready to uncover what was lost? To know Ashleigh. My goal is to do this this next week. Because one goal I have for myself is to become more aware of WHO I am this year. No matter what it takes or how challenging it may seem. I know that God created me to be better than the person I am right now, that there is a purpose for my life...even when it seems so far off.

Mirror

I went to my counselor today and the session was really great. It really made me ask myself some questions about my life. I told her how I was feeling a certain way and if that was really a "feeling". She said "Of course it is". But she also explained how it was something deeper than what I was feeling on the surface- that it was something about how I felt about myself inside but manifesting on the outside. She posed the question, "Who do you see when you look in the mirror?" Of course, the physical was what first came to my mind. But no, she took it deeper, she told me to look into the eyes of who I saw in the mirror and really look at that girl. And write about what I see. Wow- talk about a challenge. It's so easy to look and write down what I see on the surface, but to really dig deep and try to express what I feel when I really look at me? I think that's something we all should do...not just me. And to be honest, I haven't looked in that mirror since I came home from that appointment. What will I see when I really look?